WHERE TO BEGIN...
It's been a week.
Before we dive into the formal roast of LIV news this week, I'll say that I respect the ambition that LIV has shown in the new league. I think there are a lot of exciting things they're attempting, and it has my mind spinning for ways to work some of these things into my own golf league out of LA—Tiny Putters.
Golf deserves the space to innovate and broaden its appeal and there should be enough room in the tent for new ideas to take hold.
But, there's the Saudis. And unfortunately for the LIV, their influence muddies the water and elevates the bad without recognizing the good. And I'm okay with that here.
So in the spirit of elevating the bad...
SWEET LOGOS, BRO
Yikes.
Somebody skimped on their graphic designer budget in favor of a larger prize purse it seems. I definitely used that "A" logo in Madden to create the Anchorage Eskimos and kudos to Get In The Hole Podcast for beating me to the punch on the joke.
And we haven't even mentioned the team names themselves:
Cleeks - I thought this was the term for when spit shoots out of the salivary glands in your mouth, hitting the poor dental technician in the protective eyewear. It's actually defined as "a large hook" by Webster. Also not an ideal image to conjure for competitive golf.
Hy Flyers - The "Hy" has to be in response to a copyright/trademark issue. Google shows me that apparently all it takes to foil the Saudis is a fortunately named payroll company out of Louisiana. Check 'em out.
Majesticks - LIV describes them as "Another play on words, but this one is easier to decipher." No $#&*. We get it. It's just bad.
Niblicks - It's an old golf term. Sure. But LIV's description is "an iron golf club with a wide deeply slanted face used for short shots out of sand or long grass or for shots where quick loft and little roll is desired." In other words, it's a 9-iron." —— No, it's not.
I'll pause here because it is painfully evident that whoever was in charge of marketing/branding/overall vibe for this league is not a golfer and it shows.
DRAFT DAY SWAGGGG
One of these things is not like the other.
Seeing the players on stage on draft night honestly triggered a lot of deeply buried memories of middle school dances, begrudgingly wearing khakis and an ill-fitting button down, hands crossed, praying a girl would come and ask to dance...
Needless to say, things did not go well for me then.
You good, buddy?
I'M LIV PHIL. NICE TO MEET ME.
I don't need to add a single ounce of further commentary beyond an (almost) direct transcription from The Office episode where we meet Date Mike.
"Everything okay?" - Jim
"You're wearing a leather jacket now." - Pam
"I play for the LIV now. Let me do my thing." - Mike/Phil
(MIKE/PHIL CUTAWAY) "Hi. I'm LIV Phil. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Awkwardly winks.
ANYTHING I MISSED SCOTTIE?
Look who's in the pocket of "big golf"
WHOA NOW... PGA AIN'T COMING OFF CLEAN HERE EITHER
This is PGA Commish Jay Monahan.
Jay has a monopoly on golf.
Jay has a monopoly on major golf media.
Therefore, any rivals to the PGA are facing near insurmountable odds to succeed from the jump. Including finding themselves banned from PGA events, simply because they wanted to play with another league.
This, folks, is a problem. And like I said in my intro, if LIV was backed by literally any normal financial players—the script would be very different here.
Completely unrelated note, anyone have a line on Adam Silver and if he's down for a new side gig? Asking for a friend...
"Meet" Our Models
BAD BIRDIE BACKSTORIES
New section alert!!
As I perused the latest 4 POLO DROP this week, I got to thinking... who are these dudes/ladies/and kids! that Bill and the team shoot in our polos? I work out of San Diego so maybe they just wander the halls of HQ, waiting to be called up like a relief pitcher in the bullpen. I'd never know.
But then I wondered, perhaps these models are best left to the imagination. My imagination specifically. So here is my attempt to give each a little backstory and bring them to life for all you Bad Birdie fans and followers.
Meet Derek
This barrel-chested behemoth discovered he could grow a Rogaine-level thick mustache during COVID and never turned back.
Don't let his massive thigh tattoo fool you, this love bug volunteers at the pet shelter on the weekends and just adopted his third cat "Sahara" in honor of our latest polo drop.
Fun Fact: Derek holds his Crossfit gym's medicine ball clean record for 8 months and running.
Excuse me, I was promised US Open picks!
"NEVER LAY UP" LOCK OF THE WEEK
We were chatting with our buddies over at Tour Junkie (@tour_junkies) and got to thinking, why don't we offer the BB faithful gambling tips? We didn't really have a great answer beyond the fact that California hasn't yet legalized it... and I live in California. Once that band-aid is ripped, I'll be insufferable. Sorry in advance to my wife.
We always need a little Bad Birdie spin on things though and so we asked the fellas for a long shot with a real shot to win because, even in gambling, we absolutely 100% REFUSE to lay up.
Never Lay Up: Lock of the Week
Harold Varner III: 100:1
"These names are not likely to get longer, but only shorter by the time they tee off at The Country Club, so if people like these, then they should pounce now." - You heard it here people! POUNCE NOW
Cut to:... Bill reading this section and saying, wait, I gamble! Can I make a pick? Sure, Bill. You can make a pick. And to incentivize the people to actually listen to your wisdom... we'll offer a free Bad Birdie hat to anyone who wins with Bill's bet.
Ride together, die together. Bad Birdies for lyfe.
Ride Together, Die Together: Bill's Pick of the Week
Bubba Watson: 125:1
Bill says: "As an Alabama-born boy, I'm keen to always side with people named Bubba. And this week is no different. I got Bubba finishing with a new major under his belt at -8."
Have a Breakfast Balls-worthy tip? Secrets to teaching an infant to love golf from day one?
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