OHHH I GET IT—THE LIV ARE THE MONSTARS
(Why did they have to make a second Space Jam... just leave treasured childhood memories alone already.)
Anyways... the alien team has finally descended and they've officially claimed their bodies. Meet your 2022 Monstars!
Ta-da!
Months of speculation, dozens of think pieces and Brinks trucks of money has led us here.
Your pioneers.
Your first men on the moon.
Your grid of LIV headshots.
Which got me thinking. For my longtime superfans, it's time to resurrect one of my favorite segments from the early days of Breakfast Balls...
"LO-FI" LIV SUPERLATIVES
Most likely to... never emerge from his brother's shadow.
Though I do want to find a Kase Choepka? Kase Boepka? who can be Krook's evil twin as we really spiral down this Saudi-fueled rabbit hole of convoluted nicknames.
Most likely to... appear on Shark Tank in 5 years with an SPF 3000 sunscreen.
I do not picture this man handling the Saudi heat very well. On the recruitment trip, can't you just imagine poor Hudson slipping around a sand dune, asking Greg Norman when they're going to be back in an A/C room?
(Also, yes, I know these events don't all take place in Saudi Arabia but that doesn't help the joke now does it?)
Most likely to... always be the bridesmaid.
Louis, Louis, Louis, Louieeeeeee. I would bet major money that Louis was one of the first people signed on to the LIV tour, thinking this to be his opportunity to finally distance himself from being the eternal runner-up at the PGA. Only to learn that DJ signed on in the final week, thus making Louis #2 yet again.
Most likely to... realize he's on the base level of a pyramid scheme.
I see Andy signing on to the LIV tour much like I sign the Terms and Conditions of iTunes every six months or whatever. Check the box, move on. How bad could it be?
I bet as soon as Greg Norman watched him sign on the dotted line, he maniacally cackled as Andy asked, now this won't effect my chance at competing in any PGA majors right?
But... but... but what about DJ???
THE KING DESERVES HIS CASTLE
This screenshot courtesy of a r/golf post titled "Couldn't Care Less" - not sure if I can top that.
Our $125M man and the unrivaled headliner of the LIV first event is none other than DJ.
And I'll spare any further commentary about his waning relevance on the major stage and instead offer up this comment which Bucket Hat Bill found buried in a thread somewhere on social...
Phew, surely something else happened this week, right?
MEET THE MOST MANIACAL GREENSKEEPER IN GOLF
The video is absolutely soul-crushing.
At what point does everyone just agree to play with aerated green rules and accept an automatic 2-putt.
Funniest wrinkle to this is that it happened in the most obscure, Mad Libs-ish place possible—the Girls 3A high school tournament in Iowa.
Thoughts on The Match 6
MUST-SEE WEDNESDAY GOLF?
I don't have much else to say.
This picture of Richard Bland from the LIV announcement does more than I ever could with words.
Unshaven, wrinkled, dopey—and the man's last name is Bland.
It sucked. The golf was the wrong kind of bad. The microphones barely worked. The smack talk was cringey out of TB12... shocker. And no one needed to sit in on four alpha QB's playing a round of golf.
The Match needs a lifeline bad.
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