Leave it to fantasy football to force me to put my entire outlook on life into question. More on my increasingly alarming and embarrassing office league performance below, but I wanted to lead with some context for why I dialed down the snark and cranked up the positivity this week.
Sometimes, we just need it.
"Changed the way I look at the game." - Carlton from Fresh Prince
TIL: THE 5%-10% RULE IN GOLF
We begin our issue this week with perspective.
It's easy to, let's take a RANDOM example, enter every week of an office fantasy football league expecting to win because in reality you (on average) are quite good at fantasy and often draft teams that are fringe playoff at worst.
But, as Alfonso explains in this clip about the 5%-10% rule in golf, your own personal pin aka aiming point, may not be the actual pin.
For those who don't know this actually really really really helpful rule in golf, it's that your miss from a standard fairway lie will be 5% of the yards to pin on every side of your aiming point.
So for a 100 yard shot, there is an imaginary circle target that goes five yards to left, right, front and back of your aim point. (5 yards being 5% of 100—not a coincidence I picked 100 because, well, math.)
From a standard rough lie, the % increases to 10%—meaning a 10 yard cushion to left, right, front and back of your aim point.
All this to say, if you line up a shot at a pin that's tucked in the corner of a green with let's say a bunker in front and a water hazard to the right, then this rule suggests that you aim 5 or 10 yards to the left and back because then your miss right and short are still on the green with your miss long or left still in play and not in a hazard.
Elegantly simple and it sparked an incredible revelation in me for life at large. Know your miss and set your expectations accordingly.
DISCLAIMER: I am not saying that anyone should ever, under any circumstances, LAY UP. Because if that's you then you probably aren't reading this newsletter to begin with.
I'm only saying that you shouldn't be as hard on yourself if you expected to absolutely OBLITERATE someone who had no starting RBs in their lineup and scored a total of 50-something points for the week.
Casting Choice = 10/10
MEET HOLLYWOOD'S JOHN DALY
Okay so that first section was probably more philosophical than I'm accustomed to, so let's even things out a bit with golfing news that gave me pure joy.
This week, it was announced that we'll not only will be treated to a biopic of John Daly's career, but none other than the sneaky excellent actor Jonah Hill has been tapped to play Daly.
The description of the movie? It "will examine the excesses, scandals, and athletic achievements of the PGA Tour golfer, who is considered by many to be the 'Bad Boy of Golf.'"
Honestly, just a massive W for pattern-passionate people like ourselves.
Today on r/golf...
HERE IT IS, YOUR MOMENT OF GOLF ZEN
Just look at it. The scale, the color, the monstrous drives to be had—and no, I'm not talking about John Daly again. HEYOOOOOOOOO BACK TO YOU IN THE STUDIO.
As I watched Courtland Sutton throwing up an absolute stinker on Monday night, needing only a handful of points to pull out a victory, I would close my eyes and imagine my perfect golf course. What if I just logged off and never returned, would I still have to sing at the Bad Birdie holiday party? Ahhh, what a dream.
Welp, checked golf reddit this week and turns out, my perfect golf course actually exists and it's in Telluride, Colorado apparently.
Still need a BIT of snark though...
OK BOOMER
You don't know it, until you see it. And today, we learned where the line was on poking fun of Bryson for the rope incident.
Poor Vijay, probably sitting like Costanza with his jerk store joke for weeks now. Just biding his time until he could cross underneath a rope and unveil it to the world.
Alas, my dude, you're too late.
And I love Vijay too. I followed him around for a half day at the Genesis Open one time simply due to the racks on racks on RACKS the man gambles mid-round just for funsies. The guy is relentless. I want to say he shot like mid to high 70's that day, but still was betting his playing partner large sums of money that he could stick it closer to the pin from the fairway on 18. The guy is a gamer through and through.
"And besides, it didn't matter anyway, because you're the all-time best seller!" - Bryson on Instagram within the next 24 hours, probably. (Deep cut Seinfeld joke for those wondering WTF I am even doing anymore.)
"Welp—I joined the office fantasy league" update
BIG TIME L FOR THE KID
Honestly, trigger warning for anyone who gets queasy easily.
(Side note, "queasy easily" is EXTREMELY fun to say out loud)
I mean, good lord.
Where to even begin? Obviously, reading until now, you can see the mental toll this loss has taken on me. I'm writing about naturescapes from Reddit and how to use the 5% rule to alter my perspective on life in general.
Hailey's #3 top scorer... was a kicker.
Hailey had both JT and James Conner out completely. Completely. Waiver wire RB garbage remaining.
Hailey... beat me by a point. And I played a full roster of my studs.
Spent most of the week sending trade offers to anyone with a pulse, most responded with silence, likely thinking me some kind of diseased monster who the simple act of talking trades with could ripple effect into a neverending pit of fantasy despair.
I'm an outcast... or am I, an Outkast?!
This rose really smells like poooooooooo. Wait... that's not right.
Who's (hopefully) getting the smoke this week?.
Let's meet my opponent Team Long Ball aka Bad Birdie Molly
Title
Merchandiser
Hometown
Tucson, AZ
Favorite NFL Team
The teams that have my fantasy players on it. Big college football fan. (Speaking of college football, GO CUSE! How about them orange?!)
Most likely team in our league to offer a garbage trade?
Danny - Only because he offered me a trade and rescinded it. (A new challenger has entered the chat.)
Person you most want to beat in the league?
Geoffrey - How did we allow him to draft that team? (Lotttttta weeks left... he told himself hoping that would change things.)
Person you most regret drafting?
Claypool (Honestly, not terrible if that's your biggest regret.)
Favorite club in the bag?
My 8 iron is smooth. (Perhaps the perfect club, I like where your head is at.)
Worst club in the bag?
Love/Hate relationship with my Driver. (Amen.)
Favorite BB polo pattern?
Wildlife. (Best seller for a reason, can't keep our hands on 'em.)
Favorite part of Breakfast Balls?
It's my Friday AM coffee read. Starts my weekend right. (Weekend kicks off on a Friday?!?!? Googles "How to get started in merchandising?")
Have a Breakfast Balls-worthy tip? Secrets to teaching an infant to love golf from day one?
Hit me up! The hot line is always open.
Want to re-heat some leftover Breakfast Balls?
Check out our blog and dig in.
