Welcome to short stuff Breakfast Ballers. We've noticed a trend sweeping through the golf world. Golf technology is taking huge strides forward (ProTracer, TrackMan, Whoop, Etc.) making the game easier and better. This modern day industrial revolution is forcing golf architects to up their games and add new challenges to courses, accommodating the onslaught of Generation BH - The Bomb Hitters.
But there's one thing that's been on cruise control for some time now...
The Golf Cart.
It's the same boring, 4 wheel lemon with no low-end torque and terrible off road capability. In our quest to play the game 24/7/365, this low-fi buggy just ain't gonna cut it.
But fear not loyal ballers o'breakfast. We rifled through our rolodex and realized we were a few degrees of separation away from a living legend.
Sup, X to the Zibit.
(For those who are too young to not get this reference, let us show you the golden age of television)
Xzibit is helping us take the traditional golf cart straight to Bad Birdie Customs. Let us humbly introduce you to a mock up of the world's first IGV: Infinite Golf Vehicle
THE G-MASTER FLEX 6000
We know what you're thinking. She's a beaut.
We gotta admit, we didn't pass graphic design 101 but that doesn't mean we don't know what you want, nay what you NEED in the ultimate golfing vehicle.
The Run Down
A. The Cheat Seat: A modern day penalty box for all your underhanded buddies. The Cheat Seat is used for when a player is caught improving his lie, missing a stroke on a hole, or making excuses as to why he's playing bad.
B. The Brone: A robo-forecaddy equipped with a net to block any stray balls from entering the friend zone. With built-in Siri technology, ask the Brone to tell you a dirty joke and it'll keep your foursome laughing for hours.
C. AquaGuy: Flotation assistance for all those pond short cuts you've been meaning to take. Consider your pace of play doubled.
D. The Bubbler: Yes, this cart literally tows a mobile pool party. Built with dual zone temperature control so you can get a nice cool down in the blazing summer heat or keep the blood flowing during the winter. Jets are mandatory.
E. Brella: A 100 ft. umbrella that ensures you'll never hit a shot while exposed to the elements again. Yes, you read correctly. 100 ft.
F. TrackDude: The ultimate machine demands the ultimate screen. The TrackDude comes with a Trackman, a course overview, a Caddyshack channel and access to any live sporting event in the world (we see you Russian bear wrestling).
G. Shank Eraser 3000: A deluxe massage chair that guarantees your playing partner never shows up to the first tee with the excuse, "I didn't get to warm up." Hasta la vista back 9 cramps.
H. Brew Blaster: A cannon for launching cold brews and hotdogs to your homies all over the course. With a max range of 2 miles, it's best to give your pals the heads up before pressing the launch button.
I. McGolf: An LED light at the top of the G-master Flex 6000 that allows golfers to play in pitch black conditions. Remember: 24/7/365.
J. GeorgeForeGrill: BBQing the way it should be. No more awkward calls into the snack shack.
K. Celly Brater: A satellite phone that has only one accessible number. That number belongs to Tiger Woods who is one call away to pump you up and fix your mediocre swing.
L. Jammy Jam Station: A literal DJ booth because every time you play golf it isn't just a game, it's a fiesta. Start with the Marshmello edition and upgrade to Calvin Harris or Daft Punk.
Just in case you thought the G-Master Flex 6000 was a superfluous pursuit, we wanted to show you the cart upgrades that didn't quite stand the test of time.
Nice try Bubba, but stick to the high cuts for now.
We didn't come here to lay up...or exercise.
If any of you have actually tried the golf board you know how difficult it is to turn these things.
Huge props to this guy for pushing the industry forward. If this is your dad, please claim him immediately (and send his contact deets to email@example.com).
This is just G-Master Flex 6000 version #1. It took the Dyson vacuum guy over 5,000 prototypes before he nailed it and his machine only does one thing...suck.
Come 2029, we believe every course in the country will be giving us a ring for a test drive. If enough of you think this cart is game ready, we'll launch a GoFundMe and get'r made for the office.
Now go play some G and remember: