Issue. 2: Bad Birdie Dictionary of Mandatory Course Slang
Congrats on making it to another Friday morning of Breakfast Balls. It's our second week of this lil' diddy of a newsletter and if you missed week one's plan to revamp the golf celebration, we suggest you give it a gander. Now, the good good.
Hitting the dance floor. Pulling the string. Rolling into the clown's mouth. The golf course is jam-packed with some of the best slang going, and hell, you might know most of it. But, where we come from there's always a lil' extra room in the bag for some fresh, spicy lingo. We play, therefore we heckle.
Allow us to introduce you to the official Bad Birdie Slang-o-rama. Kinda like a yardage book, but for your mouth.
Koepka - another name for a brewski, especially a bottled Micky U. Best served cold and shaken after a major championship victory.
After I aced number 7 I had no problem buying Koepkas for the entire bar!
Friend Zone - when your ball comes to rest in a hazard or out of bounds. Undoubtedly the worst place you can be. Stay away at all costs.
Alternative (v.) - Getting Friend Zoned
Tyler's round really fell about when he got friend zoned on back to back holes.
Treesus - a naturally occurring caddy who leads any errant tee shot from the woods, to salvation (the fairway). Many golfers continue to honor Treesus each and every time they play.
Brad blocked a drive way to the right, but Treesus swatted him back into the fairway and Brad still managed to make double.
Sergio personally thanks Treesus for the many years of prosperity he's brought him.
The Golden Ratio - in mathematics, the phenomena of having more beverages than balls in one's golf bag.
Standing on the 16th tee Dave realized he had achieved The Golden Ratio, except he only had one ball left. Let's hope Treesus is on his side.
The Stimulus Check - when the economy needs an infusion of cash, a well-timed club toss is a player's contribution to the cause. Upgrading your sticks and putting a some scrilla back into the pot for the rest of us is nothing but honorable.
Willy pulled a stimulus check and threw his driver into the drink after a hozzle rocket and almost crushed a gator. His local golf shop thanks him.
Trunk Slammer - A player who always rolls into the parking lot as the rest of the group is taking breakfast balls off the first tee. Usually, the same dude who lurks in a group text without saying a damn thing. When he comes bearing cold gifts and sweet jams, all is forgiven.
Chicken Choke, Banana Handle, Slingin’ and Dingin’, Tetris Blocks - all really bad shots.
Bear Grylls - any noobie that just got some old hand me down sticks and is about to spend 4-5 hours trying to survive alone in the woods.
The rando in our group had four different 7 irons and was a total Bear Grylls.
Best Man’s Speech - When you drain a 30 footer and get to walk in your putt like a champ. You know, a long story with a happy ending.
Bonus points for celebrating like you're dancing off the green with bride's grandma.
Half Court Shot - The final message that every guy sends to his lady, usually on the 17th hole, in an effort to play more golf. This desperation text only lands 1% of the time, but when it does it's GAMEOVER.
"Yo Chris, tryna to play another 18?"
Chris: "Gotta send a half court to the mrs. and check"
The Entomologist - Any player who makes massive, caterpillar-like divots and is prone to catching a fat one with a wedge when the pressure is on.
His divots were the size of a 2009 H2 Hummer. Dude is a total entomologist.
Left On Read - The guy who stripes it on the range but can’t hit a ball on the course. Not the ideal partner if a two-man scramble is in play.
Johnny was buckets on the range but totally left on read when we got out there.
Rally Brews - A momentum changing meeting with the cart lady that completely alters the fate of your round.
I finally broke 90 because of those Rally Brews on 13. Thanks Linda!
Now get out there this weekend and try not to Chicken Choke it. If you do, pray to Treesus and keep your cool so you don't write a Stimulus Check you can't cash. Crack a couple of Koepkas, always maintain The Golden Ratio, and whatever you do, stay the hell away from the Friend Zone. Deliver a best man's speech they'll never forget.