Iss. #283 | The Words You CAN NOT Say In Augusta

"I'll probably go up to the Champions locker room right now and have a little drink, put my green jacket on, and then call it a day." - Rory absolutely bodying the competition when asked about how he will spend the rest of his Thursday after an opening round T1 finish.

I've been loving how unapologetically joyous Rory's been this week. You're the champ, enjoy it, flaunt it, savor it.

In Augusta, you watch your mouth

NO-FLY WORDS AT THE MASTERS

Augusta National has the Masters on lock. From the no cell phone policy to some of the strictest copyright/trademark enforcement in the game, they ain't messing around.

So it makes sense that they also have some thoughts on the types of words and phrases commentators can use while announcing with the Masters. For you brand and marketing people out there, consider this the peak version of a voice and messaging guide.

Here are some of the wildest ones—and some completely fake reasons for why they aren't used. I add the disclaimer because I would still like to win the ticket lottery some day and it's best to cover your bases with this stuff.

ROUGH - We say "Second Cut." Rough brings up negative connotations like "Having a rough day" or not shaving for a day so you're facial hair feels rough on the skin. At Augusta National, the grass is mowed to exact specifications. 1 3/8" to be precise.

FANS - We say "Patrons." Fans are who cram into the pit of a Taylor Swift concert with no rhyme or reason. At Augusta National, things are kept neat and orderly, a seat for each patron.

BACK NINE - We say "Second Nine." Back conjures the idea of behind the scenes or an unkempt backyard. At Augusta National, there is simply two choices as it was always intended. The first nine and the second nine.

SAND TRAP - We say "bunker." This isn't just sand in the bunkers, it's SP55 aka Spruce Pine aka a waste byproduct of quartz mining aka those shiny gems I used to buy by the boatload at every gift shop in the country aka "the good stuff."

DRIVING RANGE - We say "Tournament Practice Area." Range makes you think of cowboys out on the prairie roaming around, playing by their own rules. At Augusta National, there are rules and you must obey them. No roaming Yellowstone types here.

It was a presser gold mine this week

THE BEST "OUT OF CONTEXT" QUOTES FROM AUGUSTA

5 - "I was built for this! Get it in the hole, Kevin." - Kevin Hart

4 - "People keep asking me, 'Why didn't you go more Irish?' And I said, because I want to enjoy dinner as well." - Rory

3 - "I'd like to thank everyone right now. I don't know their names—but yeah." - Frankie Fleetwood

2 - "I remember picking a blade of grass and I ate it because I thought it would give me some magical Masters powers." - Sahith Theegala

1 - "If you will eat these sausages, I will give you this cookie. And he's like 'Cookie.'" - Scottie Scheffler

Let's breakdown the Concessions menu

$20 A DAY AT AUGUSTA

I'm convinced that everyone in their life goes through a Food Network phase. It's a window of time where Food Network shows comprise a significant portion of your daily TV watching. For me, it was a staple of my high school years as it was almost always on the TV when I got home from school and during the day on weekends. 

I reentered a Food Network phase after both of my sons were born as well as we chased mindless shows to watch throughout the days and nights. Nod off in the middle of a Halloween Cupcake Wars episode? No prob, you'll catch about 20 minutes of recap in the next one. And many of you are likely in your Food Network phase right now—I'll admit, I'm envious. It means you've got time to burn and a low key vibe to catch. Good on ya.

I share all this to long-windedly bring up an old Food Network show hosted by Rachael Ray travel show called $40 A Day where she traveled to various cities and attempted to eat all meals and a snack for only $40. Just insane. But we watched.

This is like that, only it's me and it's only $20 and it's all at a fictitious trip to the Masters. So here's what I'd order.

BREAKFAST - $6.50

Masters Blend Coffee - $2

Chicken Biscuit - $3

Pimento Cheese Sandwich - $1.50

Add the chicken to the pimento cheese sando and have the biscuits as a walking snack after. Got my protein, got my caffeine fix, got my pimento cheese hit out of the way early.

LUNCH - $5

Iced Tea - $2

Pork BBQ - $3

The BBQ is so bomb. Just tried it as part of the Masters At Home pack and it's the perfect blend of smoky and sweet. Pair that with a little fresh brewed iced tea and I'd be in the zone to stroll the grounds for another few hours.

DINNER - $8

Diet Coke - $2

Savory Tomato Pie - $3

Georgia Peach Ice Cream Sandwich - $3

Need that late evening DC to add a pep to my step and the tomato pie is essentially a pizza calzone. Cap it off with a taste of Georgia packed into an ice cream sandwich?? Ideal day.

Bada$$ golf artist alert!

WHEN RORY CALLS, YOU CREATE

Sick photo, right? 

Wrong! It's a pencil drawing of Rory's iconic knees moment on the 18th green after winning the Masters last year. Yes, every single face is drawn by hand using a single Pentel Graphgear pencil. And for size reference, each face is basically a quarter of your finger nail big.

The piece is by an artist named Keegan Hall who became famous after he posted the following image of Michael Jordan to Reddit—eventually leading to MJ commissioning a picture himself which eventually led to Keegan doing a similar work for Rory for the 2022 CJ Cup win which eventually led to the Masters one above.

The Masters one took him somewhere between 600-800 hours across 6 months—working pretty much daily. A feat and dedication to craft that I can't even fathom. Well, I could fathom if the undisclosed price of said commission was right. And with clients like MJ and Rory... I feel like that quote was steep.

Either way, this is one of the most impressive pieces of art I've seen from a sheer detail standpoint. I can already imagine myself smudging the heck out of that thing with the pads of my hand as I put the finishing details on—then collapsing like Rory on the 18th green in a pool of tears.