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Press Release Translator
BROOKS IS BACK! WITH TERMS.
Huge news this week was the official reinstatement of Brooks Koepka on the PGA Tour. After breaking his LIV contract, it was unclear how or when he would come back. (Imagining him running wild through Q School would've been the biggest thing to happen to Q School since—well, it might actually be the only thing to happen to Q School.)
Instead, PGA Tour CEO Brian Rolapp rolled out a new Returning Member Program where golfers who met a certain level of criteria would have a brief window to re-join the Tour with a strict set of rules. That list ultimately only included Brooks, Rahm, Cam Smith and Bryson.
The best part of these announcements is always the press release, mostly because a press release will often take the simplest news and layer about four additional coats of BS on top. So my mind goes to the old Key and Peele sketch where Obama had an anger translator. Allow me to be your PR BS translator today, save some time, and get the real deets of the release.
PARAGRAPH 1:
Listen up.
PARAGRAPH 2:
I'm new but I'm cool.
PARAGRAPH 3:
You guys miss some of the LIV guys.
PARAGRAPH 4:
We weren't really ready for Brooks (or anyone) to come back. So here it goes!
PARAGRAPH 5:
We're keeping a tight guest list and we've got some demands.
PARAGRAPH 6:
He's going to lose out on a lot of money. How much? MORE THAN ANYONE EVER!
...oh yeah and like, charity or something too. I don't really know, we'll figure that out later.
PARAGRAPH 7:
Don't worry current players, you guys are ok for now.
PARAGRAPH 8:
This message will self-destruct in a couple weeks.
PARAGRAPH 9:
I couldn't end it with the paragraph above so here's a few more sentences.
The newest innovation in golf?
THE ROAST INTRODUCTION
Like about half of last year's audience, I also have not tuned into the TGL this season. (Side note, I've caught plenty of clips on social and a prediction I'll have for TV in the next five years is just like they started to measure a broadcast based on viewership live + the following 7 days; I bet they will figure out how to track live viewership + social clips to help trick us all into believing that traditional TV is not actually dying.)
And speaking of social clips, during the NY v. Jupiter Links match, the TGL trotted out Will Ferrell. From his energy levels, I am convinced that he was under duress and tied up in Tiger's basement during the broadcast.
But the impact was still pretty good as his roast-style introductions added some levity to what's been a pretty rough portion of the match; as the golfers walk for an excruciatingly long time out of the tunnel. I mean even the NBA only makes their players walk from the bench to the free throw line during their introductions. How much more entertaining/cringy would it be if Matt Fitzpatrick tried to hit us with the John Wall dougie as he walked from the team area to the tee box?
Click through the picture above for the full clip—my highlights were Will going off-script for a New York tough guy impression, the Kisner shade, and shoehorning an Anchorman segment in.
Speaking of roasts...
RAHM ROASTS HIS RYDER BROS
Jon Rahm went on the Subpar podcast recently and made news as he described the fan conditions at the Ryder Cup last year. The headlines were around how incredibly offensive and hostile they were to him and his teammates. Wasn't a great look for us American golf fans, I will admit.
But this story is about some comments he made about his hair and a particularly confident hair transplant company out of Istanbul.
Apparently, after the podcast dropped, Esthetic Hair Turkey decided to shoot their shot and DM Rahm about setting him up with a full hair transplant. AND HE REPLIED!
Not only did he reply, he then proceeded to roast Tyrrell Hatton and Shane Lowry for their own hairlines.
Cold world.
Venn Diagram Test
THE SCIENCE OF GOLF MEETS AUTOMOTIVE TECH
For those of us of a certain age, Mythbusters made science and engineering cool. A quick Google helped me discover it's been off the air for almost a decade and apparently the two hosts pretty much hated each other off camera but were able to keep it chill on camera. Impressive.
But the golf tie in was a 2009 episode where they tested if the aerodynamics that make a golf ball fly farther and straighter through the air would actually help improve the fuel efficiency of a car as well.
Spoiler alert: it did! By 14%, which is kind of a lot.
I bury this at the very bottom to avoid the risk of losing people, but if you've ever wondered what the actual science was:
"As a golf ball flies through the air, the dimples create turbulent air that actually forms a slipstream around the surface of the ball, allowing it to fly further than it would if it were smooth." - Jalopnik article on the old Mythbusters episode.
