Iss. #203 | We Hit the Jackpot on PGA Superlatives

Oh baby, we hit the jackpot

PGA TOUR SUPERLATIVES: 2001 MEGA EDITION

Sometimes a piece of content comes along that's seemingly sent from the Breakfast Ball gods—and this is that piece of content. The following is a series of headshots from the 2001 BMW PGA Championship posted by Hype Golf on Instagram. And I've been absolutely giddy ever since it dropped to do this segment. So much so that it needs it's own hyped up intro so please indulge me.

Imagine the opening of Law & Order and read the following in that narrator's gravvely voice.

In the social media ecosystem, content is represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the accounts that post cool and funny $@&^ and the people like myself who make their own jokes on top of them. These are the 2001 PGA Tour superlatives...

DUN-DUN!

MOST LIKELY TO LAND A NON-SPEAKING, WALK-ON ROLE IN A WB TEEN DRAMA

Can't you just imagine Henrik Stenson hanging out in a cafe booth in the background of an episode of Seventh Heaven? Maybe he's sipping a milkshake with two straws, eating the occasional fry and laughing with his date. They mouth "peas and carrots" to one another so it seems like they're having a real dialog but the mics can't pick up on their voices.

MOST LIKELY TO EXPLODE INTO AN OVER-THE-TOP CELEBRATION AFTER SUCCESSFULLY SPELLING A WORD IN THE COUNTY SPELLING BEE

Lee Westwood out here with the elusive double wave hairline, clutching the mic with both hands, and speaking wayyyy too close to the mic so it has that awful breathy undertone to it.

"Country of origin please?"

"French stemming from burgeis meaning citizen of a town."

"I see. Okay, bourgeoisie. B-O-U-R-G-E (dramatic pause as he spells it out on the back of his hand and smiles) O-I-S-I-E. Bourgeoisie."

"That's correct."

Face turns deep maroon as he fist pumps high in the air, channeling William Wallace in Braveheart.

MOST LIKELY TO BE THE WOODWORKING TEACHER THAT WAS RELUCTANTLY DRAFTED INTO COACHING MEN'S GYMNASTICS

Fun fact, I was about 4' 11" or so heading into high school. My favorite sports? Basketball, volleyball, and soccer. I broke my leg before soccer tryouts in the fall. And when basketball and volleyball tryouts rolled around later in the year, I was kindly allowed to participate in the first day before finding myself on the "cut" aka come back to us when you've reached a certain height please.

My next best option for sports—as I felt that joining a sport was the only way I'd ever get admitted to a college—was the tryout free and friendly to the short folk sport of... gymnastics!

I competed in pommel horse. I was awful. And I quit after sophmore year. But my coach was basically a carbon copy of Miguel Angel Jimenez here. Also, nearly unrecognizable given Miguel's present day look.

MOST LIKELY TO INSTALL A RESONATOR EXHAUST TIP AND A RED ROPE LIGHT BENEATH HIS HONDA CIVIC AFTER WATCHING THE ORIGINAL FAST AND FURIOUS

If I'm being honest, Ian Poulter's pinball flipper of a sideburn was what sealed the deal. The gold chain, gelled spikes, and overflowing chest hair was the icing on the cake. Also, how is this Ian Poulter?!?

Ian definitely watched Paul Walker in the original Fast and Furious though and immediately went to his local Best Buy to see how expensive it would be to install some tricked out mods to his Civic. The problem is that he saw the price tags and had to decide between a loud muffler or red neon lights. So he chose the muffler and figured he could duct tape some rope lights beneath until he saved up more money from his night shifts at Blockbuster.

MOST LIKELY TO BE THE PROM KING WHO HAS BRACES FOR THE FIRST TWO YEARS OF HIGH SCHOOL—AND HAS TWO OLDER SISTERS

It's the smile that is giving "I just got my braces off" vibes. Not fully committing to the toothy smile because of the muscle memory of trying to hide all the hardware for so many formative teen years.

And I have sat here for way too long now trying to figure out why on Earth Adam seems like the kind of guy who has two older sisters but he does right? Is it the semi-defeated twinkle in his eye that signals countless conversations about how he should ask his crush to the dance?

Also, what a fashion statement with the sweater polo. So hot right now.

Talk about swing thoughts

SAUCE CAUGHT THE GOLF BUG HARD

Sauce Gardner—the New York Jets star cornerback—has caught the golfing bug HARD. And golf social media is loving it.

Above is a video he posted on X as he scrolls through his golf notes in his phone. It's an absolutely textbook descent into golfing obsession. Near daily reminders of the minutae of a golf swing. Tucking elbows, loose hands, rotating hips. And, of course, the custom fit specs for his irons. Love a dynamic golf stiff flex—same setup I have oddly enough.

His entire X account is a chronicle of his golfing journey and is a pretty entertaining scroll if you have the time. But sadly, he has to hang 'em up for his actual day job, playing starting cornerback in the NFL, so the content faucet is likely turning off for the next few months.

Stay strong Sauce!

When your "nemesis" is your source

WIKIPEDIA GRIDS

This pains me to admit but this section is sourced from my completely unaware "nemesis" at Golf Digest Alex Myers who tipped me off to this X thread from his Golf Digest colleague, Jamie Kennedy.

For those who are just hearing about this feud, it's one that exists only in my own head and largely stems around how Alex and I produce somewhat similar styles of content. He is a man seemingly in his 30s. He has a family he juggles with his own obsession with golf. He goes for humor in his columns.

I think I'm funnier and less cringe-y. He probably thinks the same.

Anyways, I share the context because as Michael Scott said... it takes a big man to admit his mistakes. And I am that big man. My mistake was not finding these Wikipedia grids on my own. But here we are.

The actual story here are these Wikipedia grids that show pro golfers finishing positions in all the majors. And Jamie posted a thread that showed some of the most interesting grids. Leading off with the one above from Todd Hamilton who won The Open in 2004 and, as you can see, not a whole ton else of note since. I love that they show just how random some of these wins can be.

And then you hold up Todd's grid against ones like Jack's and Tiger's—and I find myself appreciating what they did on a whole new level.

Jack's is the first one below and all yellow boxes indicate a top 10 finish. Tiger's is second and highlights his epic stretch of golf from 2000-2009.

Mind-blowing.