Aging is never a subject that's fun to discuss, so I dedicated an entire issue to it.
I blame Morikawa
COLLIN'S BEEN REFLECTING
Last week, Morikawa spoke to reporters at some tournament in Mexico about his thoughts on why he had a down year. And the quote? Relatable AF for anyone over 30...
“To be honest, I think it's just getting old... And the maintenance I have to do now is just a little bit more."
Now, I'll pause here to roll my eyes a bit as Collin is not, in fact, 30+ like myself. He is 25. He is in for a real wake up call in about 5-7 years, I'll say that. But what really sent me spiraling was this other tidbit he shared.
"I mean, man, like I drank way more in college than I ever do now, but apparently when you get older, your body just moves differently."
This one hits hard. Too hard. My mind wanders to the fact that I drink a pair (or two) of double IPAs and wake up the next morning as if I had just slugged down an entire bottle of Jack Daniels. Do people drink Jack anymore??
And then my mind takes another meandering hallway into memories past and recalls how I was arguably one of the premier beer pong players at Syracuse University circa 2007-2009. I practiced. A lot. On solo cups, on coffee mugs, on oversized beverage cups from The Dome concessions stand, on wine glasses. The theory being the smaller the opening and the less forgiving the glass material, the more accurate I'd become. And it worked.
Safely assuming I would take down 10, 15, 20? Keystone Lights over the course of a nightlong, double elim bracket tournament—I would wake up the next morning with the kind of energy that I only can begin to dream of after two cups of coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Have I digressed? Drastically. Was this just a ploy to remind those reading that I was, at one point, elite at something other than writing about my own golf thoughts for Bad Birdie? Yes.
But facts are facts. Aging is a true reality check.
Speaking of college...
ON-CAMPUS PERKS I WISH I PAID ATTENTION TO
Princeton Review, US News, Barstool—lots of ranking systems exist to help narrow down the field of colleges and universities to attend. But, assuming college is even a thing when Jack finally is of age, there is really only one metric I will be focused on.
College Golf Courses
Sports Illustrated dropped a piece profiling their favorite 6 college golf courses and it got me spiraling again into questioning my own aging and eventual mortality.
Seen above is Colgate's pristine course that looks like it was perhaps set in the same town as Gilmore Girls. Idyllic east coast fall vibes that have me getting phantom tastes of maple syrup for some reason. <googles "phantom tasting+aging+should I be concerned?">
The Colgate Toothpastes or Colgate Dental Technicians or whatever their mascot actually is are damn lucky. At 'Cuse we had Drumlins, a track that was absolutely beat to hell because... it was FREE FOR STUDENTS. A fact I learned late in my senior year and a fact that remains as one of my greatest regrets during my time at college. Significant, considering what goes on at college.
Insanely jealous to any of you who had proper courses as students, as Drumlins signature hole was the par 3, 18th which sat perched atop a massive cliff. A couple hundred feet below sat a postage stamp sized green that you would launch your ball to from the practice mat tee box above. The catch was, about 30 yards to the left was the indoor tennis facility... with a massive tin roof... that if you asked any student became the actual "green" as we would crank balls onto the roof, hear the clang and then pray that the ball would Plinko its way off the roof and roll onto the green. A feat I achieved only once, but it was glorious.
(Maybe I'm now realizing why many colleges don't exactly advertise the whole students play free thing...)
Okay, Reddit, let's turn this thing around.
THE OG "COOL GUY"
Few things are so deeply embedded in my own encyclopedia of cool than the best 007 that ever was, Sean Connery.
I will be looking to re-create this photo for the rest of my life. For now, that just means I flipped up the cuffs on my pair of jeans as I sit in my local Philz coffee writing this issue of Breakfast Balls.
Flipped cuffs on my jeans be damned...
YOU WANT TO BE 007 IRL?!
Completely un-golf related content alert.
This was simply too friggin' cool not to post. In honor of the 60th anniversary of James Bond, Black Tomato (a luxury travel company I have never been rich enough to even know existed) is selling 60 bespoke travel experiences to real-life locations from Bond films.
The DEPOSIT is 10,000 British pounds, because, well, Bond, and the only details they've released is that you will go to Monaco, Lake Como, Venice, London and Paris. Living out your wildest Bond dreams.
The website suggests giving it as a gift, and while none of my prior suggestions to gift me rounds at your local country club, etc have come to fruition... all I need is that one person to read and say, hey, 117 issues in—I think I'd like to treat Scott to something nice. Either that, or maybe Bucket Hat Bill can step in here...
"Welp—I joined the office fantasy league" update
PLEASE, DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK
Welp, back to panic mode I go. And while the Morikawa comments on aging certainly weren't healthy for my mental state, this L really pushed off the ledge.
So much so that I am now seriously thinking about what song I could actually pull off ACAPELLA for the company holiday party. Breaking out into a sweat already and praying to whatever fantasy gods will listen that ESPN's projections will hold.
Who's (hopefully) getting the smoke this week? Fun Fact: G is in Korea doing what I can only imagine is Director of Product kinds of things, going to hip stores, sourcing next-gen fabrics, directing various buttons and zippers. I don't really know... so long story short, he didn't return my Slack intro request and therefore I'm making it all up!
Let's "meet" my opponent SCLSU Mud Dogs aka Bad Birdie Geoffrey
Title
Geoffrey "G" Tajaran, Director of Product
Hometown
Ames, IA (Some light IG stalking reveals an Iowa-esque connect.)
Favorite NFL Team
Kansas City Chiefs. (Iowa is a tricky one because it's half Chicago fans and half heartland folk. He hasn't taken my Chicago Bears bait on Slack so let's try KC here.)
Most likely team in our league to offer a garbage trade?
Scott… dude really gasses up his own team. (I'm floored any time someone gives me an answer that is any different than this.)
Person you most want to beat in the league?
Collin. He's #2 in our division and need to put some daylight between us. (Geoffrey, NOT JOFFREY, strikes me as a gamer. Picking up that people around office call him G and the single initial nickname often coincides with ruthless winners.)
Person you most regret drafting?
Michael Thomas aka Mr. IR (What's up with this guy? Dislocated toe is apparently the diagnosis, which I myself suffer from after a freak soccer injury, and while I do get nervous running on bare feet because of it—these dudes have like triple taped cleats... something fishy is happening down in NO.)
Favorite club in the bag?
Gotta be driver. (If you're the person who is running point on the dopest polos and gear in the game, then you have to be a bomber off the tee.)
Worst club in the bag?
Wedges, all of them. (G seems like a full swing or bust kind of guy.)
Favorite BB polo pattern?
Marino Cabana Top. (Our cabana top release is a massively slept on drop that I can see G being all-in on. A guy named G likes to let the chest hair breathe? That's a layup insight.)
Favorite part of Breakfast Balls?
CriBBs. (G lives his life LARGE and I bet he is all about the CriBBs callouts. Getting a sneak peak of the kind of luxe accommodations he's going to book himself on his Director of Product excursions. Which reminds me, I should ask him what Director of Product means.)
Have a Breakfast Balls-worthy tip? Secrets to teaching an infant to love golf from day one?
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