I have a confession. 

I, Scott the Copywriter, am in a golfing dry spell.

  Yes. It’s been 8 sad and golf-less weeks spent watching friends posting from the course and group chains to set up tee times pass me by. 

 How did I get here? Well, I got married. (Bah-dum-chk!) No but really, I did get married so maybe we don't tell the new wife that they were SAD weeks... just golf-less. Which is sad... but, I'm digging myself into a hole here. Moving on. 

 Now, they say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem so I sit here today, before the eyes of the Breakfast Balls community, asking you to accept me for all my faults. 

 Hopefully, hearing my story today can encourage those of you who may be in a dry spell yourself. Giving you the boost you need to peg it up once again and return to the game we all love.  

 And who knew that the help we all needed would come from the most unlikely of places...

How I Used Women’s Health Magazine to Overcome My Golfing Dry Spell 

 by Scott the Copywriter

My journey began where all modern quests for information begin.

And while 100/100 results led me to solutions for a different kind of dry spell... I decided to roll the dice, click on one of the top results, and up popped an article from Women’s Health Magazine detailing Alyssa Girdwain’s 6 tips for: 

 “How to bust through a dry spell when you're single.”  

My thought process was  

 A) The sport of golf is, by nature, a singles event 

B) While I can’t say it’s apples-to-apples, I do receive a measurable amount of pleasure from a purely flushed 5 iron from the center cut of the fairway 

 C) What I’ve been doing for the previous 8 weeks clearly hasn’t pulled me out of my situation

 So f*** it, let’s see what Alyssa has to say.

Tip 1: Check In With Yourself 

Alyssa says, “Are you putting out good, open-hearted vibes or focusing on neggy ones, like feeling envious of all the engagements popping up on your Instagram feed?” 

 Neggy vibes… me?!? No way. I wouldn’t dream of putting my fellow golfers down for simply exercising their right to swing the sticks. Would I?

  My god, Alyssa. I’m being neggy! Looking at the evolution of my Michael Scott GIF usage alone… there's clearly a problem.

 (Old me on the left, new me on the right)

Time to course correct. 

 I hit the IG feed and start throwing some comments around. “Lookin’ CRISSSSSPY out there!” and “Bombs Away - look out Phil”

 It’s working, I can feel the positivity start to flow.

 What’s next, Alyssa?

Tip 2: Mastur-- (Please Yourself) 

 Alyssa says, “Never underestimate the power of mastur-- . It’ll help you get reacquainted with your body and remind you that you don’t have to wait for someone else to get you there.” 

 Okayyyy Alyssa, we’re diving right in here it seems. But let’s try to take the off-ramp and translate it to golf. What gives me the most golf-related pleasure without actually going to the course? 

 Shot tracer videos. 

 And here is one of my favorites to help visualize my most notoriously inconsistent swing…

Talk about release—OF THE CLUB FACE!! 

Tip 3: Prioritize Self-Care

 Alyssa says, “It's even more important that you take time to pamper yourself (someone's got to!). Dedicate more time to de-stressing activities, like long baths and working out and yoga, and log solid sleep, for goodness sake.” 

 I’m not really a “bath” or “yoga” kind of guy, but let’s try to pull the nugget from this one. If the name of the game is de-stressing activities and strategies… then there’s only one setup I need.

Pop in the Air Pods and hit this track on repeat. Nothing gets me in the moment of Zen more than imagining the velvety soft stylings of Jim Nantz welcoming me to mother f****n’ Augusta National.

 SIDE NOTE - Do we realize that the Masters is only weeks away?!?! I wonder if I can get BB to send me as an on-site correspondent. You guys would read the crap outta that right? Email ‘em and let ‘em know. Write letters. Let's get this viral.  


Okay, back to Alyssa.

Tip 4: Reignite Your Inner Sex Goddess

 Alyssa says, “Try a pole-dancing class with the girls, read some smut (ever heard of After?), shop for spicy new lingerie, or experiment with a new toy. The idea is to go after anything fresh and exciting that puts you back in touch with your body.” 


 Alright well, she's saying to get out there and do something so I guess this means I’ve put off the driving range long enough. Maybe the driving range is the "pole-dancing class" of golf. And while it’s definitely not lingerie… these new polos are quite SPICYYYYY.  

CUT TO: Me purchasing a Baja size Large and knocking a medium bucket around under the lights. 

Before I know it, I can feel my inner golf God beginning to shine through!

Tip 5: Figure Out Your Head

 Alyssa says, “It could be time to seek support (a.k.a. a therapist) to work through those issues and learn to embrace your sexy self.” 

 We’ve finally arrived at one of my most dreaded golf moments—seeking professional help.

 I’ve always prided myself on being largely self-taught. A few lessons when I was 12 as I first learned the basics. An intro session at my local golf instruction facility a few years ago during my darkest slicing days. But otherwise, I like knowing that I’ve scratched and clawed and scrolled my way through IG to create the golfer I am today. 

 So fine, if Alyssa wants me seeking professional help… then I’ll just tweet a swing video of myself to Max Homa and see what he says. Close enough, right?

Tip 6: Know that, this too, shall pass 

 Alyssa says, “It's really important to stop beating yourself up for going through a dry spell, as that can feed into a negative self-image—ain't no one got time for that! Everyone goes through lulls, some longer than others, and that's A-okay.”

 You know what, Alyssa, that’s right! I don’t need to beat myself up, life happens and I just need to ride the ebbs and flows of my golfing schedule.

 But also, 8 weeks without golf is absolutely insane—so in the course of writing this article, I’ve scheduled 7 rounds in the next 3 weeks which should get my average back to a somewhat respectable level. 

 Miraculously, Alyssa's advice worked! 

 The dry spell is over and just like a dad staring into the sky as the first few drops of rain start to fall—boy, we needed this.

Zack Wilkens